new pesonal essay

TThe joy of being me
In this blank white spot, I am entrusting my life and putting it down because its one thing that gives me immense satisfaction. The pure joy of being alive and loving myself. I have agreed that my life is very ordinary but yet I have a unique story, a different perspective and surely a beautiful vision. I have dreams that are beyond reach yet I believe it in more than myself. My insecurities which is in the level of Mt. Everest yet I try everyday to overcome the fear. I am always occupied with thoughts, without them I am lost.
Driving down to Dallas every weekend is surely a long drive, yet everytime the trip is made I am a revived person. Thinking about life in general is beautiful, very beautiful. Unlike some other people,I have abundant of time to think about all that has occured in my life. Times when I have felt completely lost, times when I was overjoyed with my life and times when I have felt intense emotions. They all have summed up to make me who I am today who has stumbled, fallen and learned. It was just couple of years ago, times when I couldn't even think straight. No, not that I was crazy, it's just that the life was pacing way ahead of me. Now as I think back, a bundle of emotion runs through me. A mixture of pleasure, guilt, hatred, excitement, joy, anger, frustration, fear and every other word the dictionary can offer can be inlisted in the list. The transition that took place within me can be highly compared to the trasition the cars madpie into robots in the movie transformers. Unlike the robots though I haven't been actually activated so strongly. Therefore, it's just me. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I will be me. Yes, there might be circumstances, sorrounding that can effect on one highly but at the end everything remains the same.
Every night, I sit in my balcony, burning cigarette in one hand and my thoughts down in the memory lane. The beauty up in the sky, bright moonlight, stars and the mesmerizing beauty of Ada is simple breathtaking. A chilly breeze adds up to the moment and I am off my feet filled with pure joy. It wasn’t an easy choice to be here. Matter of fact, its so hard to recall the fact that I wanted to be anywhere than Dallas, the only familiar place in the entire United States. Recalling those moment, I don’t even recall ever desiring to be in this country at the first place but life had something in store for me. It was as if love was making its way and the destiny awaited here for me.

I traveled and have traveled throughout my life. My mother told me that astrologer had predicted it from the day I was born. Strange but I have documents to prove it. I was born in a small town called Dharan in Nepal, my first love. I have also expressed the desire to die in that very place someday. Anyways I moved with my entire family at the age of four to a small town called Morse in Germany. Those moments are the most treasured moments in my life. I don’t ever recall being so happy after moving back. It was a splendid childhood, full of love and life, showered with a lot of attention. We moved back to Nepal, but this time we stayed in Katmandu, our permanent place for the rest of our lives. Since my parents had to travel, me along with my sister and brother were put in a boarding house. The first year I barely survived reaching a point where I almost died. The following year just followed deprived of parental love. However, we always traveled back and forth during our vacation to meet our parents in Hong Kong and it would help a little bit. During those back and forth travel; our parents would shower us with special treat, taking us to transit tours. Throughout that time we traveled to Bangkok, Malaysia, Brunei, Singapore, Philippines, Tibet, Bhutan and Bangladesh.
Throughout the years though, I had already become a loner. I was dependent on most my friends. It was as if my life revolved around them. My five years were spent with the same people, growing, eating, sleeping, playing, crying, laughing, hugging, dancing and learning together. Its so amazing that we could do so many things together for such a long period of time and yet we never realized when time passed by. I had by the time grown a notorious reputation. I had run away from school, tried smoking and a little amount of alcohol. I would mock the new transfers, disobey seniors and fight against anyone who opposed me. I was punished very harshly repeatedly for my action. Sometimes a blow in my face would knock me off, sometimes I would have my hair cut bald and at times the mark would be so swollen it would take months to heal. No matter how much it hurt or severe it got, I never stopped being mischievous. I was a rebel. However, I always excelled in my studies. Therefore no teacher would harm or complain against me. It was sort of a shield that protected me in some ways. I had grown very popular, popular yet I felt very empty at times. I would miss my parents and my homely life that I was so in love with. No matter what I got for a gift or special treat, it never felt the same. Not that my parents are to be blamed, its just my stupid attitude that always asked for more. There were couple of boys who tried constantly to pursue me, but I was always so busy planning something bad with my friends or studying. Love still had to wait to reach me.
After my tenth grade, I finally had the opportunity to move out of the hell. How would I have known then that if I recalled those days today it would feel like heaven? I was very excited since it had been years I was out of touch from the world. I wanted to study science since all the top grader opted for science major back then. I wanted a motorcycle as a reward and wanted to freak out. However, my parents had other plans for me to which I agreed since I had the opportunity of live my life in a new place. I was sent to Bangalore India, my second love. Initially, it was so hard to fit in since most of the students were too studious type. They seemed as if they barely went out and their world rotated around books. I looked as if I was way ahead of their time and appealed really wild. However, my first impression didn’t quite follow. Though we had our differences we connected so well. I would consider it really a pleasing phase I went through. I was eighteen when I was done with my high School. Within those two years, I guess I had known about thousand of people. Whenever, I was out of school I was either attending my interior course class or hanging out with friends and people known or unknown. If someone would come up to me today, I guarantee I would barely recognize him or her. We always had plans on weekends and we almost toured the entire India in that short period of time. One summer I had a transit tour to Sri Lanka. For some reason, I had felt in love with it. That was one of the journey in my life I had made alone. No friends or family, just me. It was a strange trip with a lasting memory. When tsunami happened, the memory of my trip vaguely floated in my head. I wonder why?
Free, and loving freedom, I finally arrived Hong Kong in summer 2004. Who knew my life was entirely going to be changed? My only sister was getting married and I was very excited for her since she was the first one in my family to get married. I always expected her to be married anyway since she felt in that category. My brother in law was a pleasant man with whom I got along very well. He always teased me and jokingly had asked to marry his brother many times. How would I have known that he was dead serious? Then the man of my life made an entrance. I had talked to him on phone, exchanged emails and chatted once in a while. I had rather found him very attractive when I first saw his picture. Surely, he was also going to attend this wedding and it excited me in a way since I had sensed some attraction between us. Never had I imagined that I was going to be his fiancée really soon. I was surprised when my mother raised the question of my engagement and disbelieved that the communication between us was intended and preset. I surely was attracted to him in a way I had never been and so couldn’t deny it instantly. I was offered some time to spend with him and let my judgment rule.
My heart raced so hard, I sensed that I was about to faint. There he was in a white shirt, blue jeans, lanky physique, long wavy hair and piercing mischievous eye. I guessed he looked tired since it was a long travel. He flashed a tiny smile and never took his eyes off mine. I knew then that we had long way to go ahead. He stayed for a month and I saw no reason as to why I could oppose this engagement. My life seemed to be blooming. It almost seemed so good to be true. In no more than four months after my engagement, I was planned to be shipped away to United States, the place where my prince lived. After high school, I hadn’t really put much effort to what I would be doing in my future. My parents originally planned to send me to china for M.B.B.S but I disagreed. There was no way I was going to be a doctor. I had just applied for U.S visa to broaden my option but I guess destiny was set.
Something was so extraordinarily beautiful about the sky. The very first thing I had noticed as I landed in the DFW airport. The flight was the longest as far as I recall, full of restlessness and longing. There he waited for me. He looked as gorgeous as ever, passing a signal that shivered throughout my body. He drove a 2004 black Mustang, which really made a huge impression on me. I had never seen such a broad highway no matter how many countries I had traveled. It seemed so open and clear and in top of that I was madly in love. We pulled in his driveway and life was never the same again.